From the archives. This was written around this time, last year.
I am in love with my new apartment.
During the day there is so much light pouring in, I don’t know what to do with the brightness.
I look forward to off-days so I can sit in the sunshine, look out of my window up into the bright blue sky and take in the light.
I even love my apartment at night. The Tokyo skyline – a mix of stars and sky and lights from surrounding buildings – are twinkling down at me. Almost winking.
I forgot how therapeutic it is to be surrounded by so much openness. It opens my mind. Heart and soul.
As I start a new chapter of my life I’ve spent more hours just looking out of my window than I care to admit. But through the daydreaming, I may have discovered the saddest emotion: indifference.
The indifference that is reached once love, tenderness, adoration, fondness, anger, sadness, bitterness, sympathy and even empathy is tapped out. Gone. Dissipated. Lost forever.
Recently, I got out of a relationship during one of the biggest re-adjustment periods of my life. I moved to a new city, with new people, a new job, a new country and still in constant adjustment and learning mode. I’m even re-learning my culture. My best friends are all back in the US and the time difference between Tokyo, New York and San Francisco really sucks. During the worst break-up I ever had, I never felt so alone before in my life. Four months since then, things are a trillion times better.
Music, plays a huge part in my life. Music triggers so many thoughts, memories, emotions.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a healthy relationship with memories. I realized long ago thinking of what-ifs, regrets and what could’ve or should’ve been is the biggest time suck. Simply a waste of time because what’s done is done.
Processing thoughts, emotions, and lessons learned is a better past time. So I choose to take the good and move forward, rarely looking back.
With this recent break-up, I assumed there could still be raw emotions left and music could trigger things I have yet to parse. I stopped listening to music for a while.
Since moving into this apartment I slowly started listening to safe, neutral music — classical, pop, club music, hip-hop, rap, etc., — paying mind specifically to stay away from love songs. Then I started playing my favorite playlists on Spotify.
When Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” came on, I surprised myself by smiling. Smiling because of the fond memories tied to Whitney Houston, that song and the film: ‘The Body Guard’.
I forgot how sappy “I Will Always Love You” is. Especially these lyrics:
“I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this I wish you love”
…which made me think of him, and us. It wasn’t because I hope life treats him kind. Or for him to have all he’s dreamed of. I do not wish him joy, happiness, love or misery for that matter. I actually don’t wish him anything. Nothing at all. Zero. Zip.
It’s strange. This is the first time I’ve felt indifference towards someone I shared so much of myself and my life with. I feel nothing towards him — good or bad — which made me question if I’m bitter.
I am not.
The only thing I feel when I think of him is sadness that I feel nothing. A part of me wishes I felt something. Even anger or bitterness, anything other than nonchalance. But I don’t.
And with this indifference I realized I am finally done. I have finally, finally let everything from our time together… go.
I am free.
The one thing I learned falling in love with this particular person, is how I am capable of feeling so much towards another. So much so that in the end, it wore me out. And it’s now ok not to feel anything at all.
I am sitting here, staring out of my window again. Tokyo’s sky is so blue today.
There is music playing in the background.
Keyshia Cole’s “Let it go” just came on. My first thoughts and feelings are how fortunate I am to be living in this incredible city, surrounded by some of the best friends I have ever made.
I am finally happy again.