In London, I had the privilege to stay in an incredible apartment. The unobstructive view spans a great deal of London from high above the South, looking out towards the North. Most of the major landmarks — old and new — are visible.
St. Paul’s Cathederal, the London Eye, Big Ben and a lot of the strange new buildings can be seen. London’s new buildings are extremely peculiar with funny names and shapes. There is even a structure called ‘The Gherkin’ because it supposedly resembles a pickle. (This is a touch crude but London’s Gherkin looks more like a sex toy pointing up towards the sky than the tiny pickles I love so much.)
The apartment is a modern structure, with floor to ceiling windows. There is so much natural light I almost felt one with the skyline. I spent a lot of time staring out of the window and out towards the great city.
Looking through the photos I took of the London view, I was reminded of myself around this time of last year. I had first moved into my Tokyo apartment and spent hours day dreaming while gazing out onto the skies of Tokyo. Reflecting, processing and attempting to heal from the worst break-up of my life. A year later I realize things have changed so much yet at the same time, not so much.
Life and work wise, I could not be happier. I am pursuing a dream. Every day I am grateful and so fortunate I figured out a way to turn my passion into a job. Love wise, I am still wounded and have come to terms with the fact that there are still many things left I need to work out — trust and the ability to trust another, the biggest.
The heart is a funny thing. I’ve always approached love the way I approached life: open, optimistic, grateful and inquisitively. I’ve had wonderful relationships with incredible men I no longer stay in touch with, but still respect and appreciate. The most recent, the only exception, as I am carrying with me so much distrust, it’s as though I am punishing the men who have come after him. Challenging them to prove their words and not giving them chances to win me over.
It’s strange since many events happened in my non-love life that should have steered me in the direction of self destruction. With life, I have always accepted anything and everything thrown my way. Never taking the bad for the bad but conversely as learning lessons, facing life head-on openly, optimistically, inquisitively and ever so gratefully. And for the life of me, I can’t understand why one man and one bad relationship has managed to ruin the open, optimistic, inquisitive and grateful way I’ve always approached issues of the heart.
Looking at the photos of the grand view of London, I can still feel the light, the openness and can’t help but to laugh. Last year in Tokyo I was looking down onto the Tokyo skyline processing the break-up. This year in London, I was looking down onto the London skyline still processing the damage and wondering how I can make progress.
They say time heals all wounds but it’s been so long I wonder how much more time my heart requires. I’m getting a bit tired of pushing men away, especially since I recently met someone who deserves nothing but the best of me. I even turned into a reluctant vegetarian during the majority of my stay in London (he doesn’t eat any meat, not even fish – the posts here in London with meats, are from when we weren’t dining together).
That said, I don’t mean to turn this blog into a personal one filled with melancholy. Granted, several posts are extremely personal and I’m probably sharing more than I should. But I felt the need to document what I’m feeling now in order to commit myself to healing so that I can love and give my all to another again.
Besides, the view deserves a permanent spot on this blog. I mean really, have you seen anything like it?
PS: In case you are wondering, the backstory of the relationship with the guy who destroyed my heart is here.