Imitation Crab

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I am not a violent person but sometimes, I wish we could actually fist fight foods because I have major beef with the grossness that is imitation crab. Pun not intended.

Imitation crab in Japan is semi edible.

The imitation crab in the States are these tasteless, rubbery, hideous things, usually stuffed into grocery store California Rolls. I firmly believe the sole purpose of its existence is to trick unsuspecting people into buying nasty pre-made ‘sushi’. I’m telling you, don’t let the bright red and glowing white cylinders distract you from seeing what these things hibernating in deli cases really are: browning slivers of old avocado wrapped in cold, dry rice with the cheap, sorry excuses for crab. Or should I say krab.

These things – stay far away ↓

Sidenote: if you insist on eating supermarket sushi, look for the California Rolls where the crab is at least shredded like this – the mayo mixed in with the crab makes the dried out rolls tastier. I promise.

I am not the only one who has issues with imitation crab. Aside from the top search, according to Google auto-complete, where people are asking why imitation crab isn’t gluten-free (which is an odd thing to wonder in the first place. Does gluten-free food taste so bad, imitation crab actually tastes… good?), the people have spoken. Two out of the top five results are asking why imitation crab meat is so bad, why it even exists in the first place and apparently they even glow in the dark (!!!!!)

Take a look↓

I’M RIGHT THERE WITH YOU PEOPLE ASKING THOSE QUESTIONS. I don’t know why they exist either.

The Wikipedia for this abomination states:

 

Alaska pollock (Theragra chalcogramma) from the North Pacific is commonly the main ingredient, often mixed with fillers such as wheat, and egg white (albumen)[1] or other binding ingredient, such as the enzyme transglutaminase.[3] Crab flavoring is added (either artificial or crab-derived), and a layer of red food coloring is applied to the outside.

…wait a sec. Imitation crab is not even crab! It’s pulverized pollack (white fish), mixed with ingredients like wheat, egg white and some scientific thing I can’t even pronounce. The stuff that makes up imitation crab, aren’t even from the ocean! Inappropriate ingredients aside, for imitation crab to be named ‘imitation crab’ in the first place is simply wrong. Why anyone would even think to consume ‘food’ labeled as a fake is beyond me!

I read the many reasons and theories behind why this bootleg seafood has a place in the store’s frozen section. Some people say it’s for kosher crab. Others say it’s to cut restaurant costs and someone even thinks it’s to preserve the ocean. But listen. Imitation crab is 1. not crab 2. disgusting and 3. glows in the dark. Things humans put in our mouths and consume should not glow in the dark.

I’m really tempted to start a petition for people to stop eating these putrid things. Only we, the people, can diminish demand. Without demand, production is unnecessary, and without a need, it will forcefully extinct these turd logs.

Ugh. I feel sick to my stomach.

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